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public | depression [29 Nov 2016|08:54am]
there are days where the thought of getting out of bed, of any movement at all, is sickening. painful. i'm tired to the bone and all i've done is sleep. "what's wrong," they want to know. i don't have the words. a shrug is all i manage and even that feels too much. i lay, chewing skin from cracked, dry lips. how long, i'm not sure. hours feel like days, days go by in flashes of muddled dreams. i'm thirsty but it's an afterthought. it doesn't matter. none of it matters.

i should feel shame. i don't know what day it is but the odors that caress my senses tell me i've been laying here for far too long. when i manage the strength to roll over my hair catches and pulls, i know that it's matted and greasy. my tongue sticks to my cheeks, the roof of my mouth, and with every breath i'm reminded of the hangover that prompted me to stay in bed to begin with.

i don't feel shame. i don't feel much of anything. a soft, whispering desire for everything around me to stop - but that's it. i don't know where my phone is. i don't know where my laptop is. i don't want to look for them. i want to pull the covers over my head but i know that when it becomes to hard to breathe that i might not have the strength to pull them back down again. briefly, i wonder what my epitaph would be: she died as she lived, swaddled in bed.

i realize it's raining. how long has it been raining? the sound is comforting. rhythmic. i breathe, it patters. it slows, i slow. i don't want it to stop. not for the first time, i'm nudged by a black and white body, a curious, fat thing that has seen these episodes before. he mews. it takes effort to look at him. his affection is aggressive and after longer than i want to admit, i force myself to raise my arm and push him away. he mews. he mews and mews. he paws at my face. he nudges my hand.

he doesn't stop. i finally get out of bed. his feeder is empty. i've been in bed for four days and i've missed two days of work. i should feel shame, regret, something. i think i'll get in the shower.
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[ mood | or tell me about the loyl. ]
[ music | *the one to keep you warm and ~satisfied. ]

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